All Along
by purplepagoda
Summary: She's been with him all along...on and off for years. Their romance is a secret and for a good reason. Will her ultimatum mend this relationship? Or will it end it.
1. Can't Stop

He looks at her as she heads for the door. The look in her eyes tells him to follow her. He follows her to her car. She opens the door to the car.

"Can we talk?" he questions.

She nods and gets into her car. He gets into the passenger's seat closing the door behind him.

"What?" she wonders.

"Do you have plans for tonight?"

"No why?"

"I thought that I could take you out."

"I don't think that's a very good idea."

"Please," he begs.

"It's not a good idea," she reiterates.

"Please. Look I know that we've...I've screwed up, a lot. Please let me try and fix this."

"Give me a good reason to give you another chance."

"I love you," he tells her.

"You're going to have to do better than that."

"I know that it's never worked out for us in the past, but I've changed. I've grown up. I'm sorry that I've let you down, that I've never been able to make it work..."

"Why should I believe you?"

"Because I can't live without you. I've tried, and I just can't."

"You'll survive I'm sure."

"Don't do this to me. We've both made mistakes. Let's just start over. I want this to work."

"I've heard this before."

"Catherine... you're all I've ever wanted," he admits.

"That's not true and you know it."

"We're supposed to be together. Why else do you think that none of our other relationships work?"

"Because we're cheaters," she answers.

"Just give me one more chance," he implores.

"Why should I? Don't you think that I've had my heart broken by you enough times?"

"I would never do anything to hurt you."

"You say that every time, but you always end up hurting worse than the time before."

"Not this time."

"How do I know this isn't just about sex?"

"If it were would you be ok with that?"

"No. If you recall we've tried that before too."

"Maybe we should just be honest about everything, with everyone this time. I'm tired of hiding this."

"I just don't think I can do this with you again. Last time..."

"It was such a long time ago," he reminds her.

"It wasn't," she disagrees.

"It feels like a lifetime without you."

She looks into his eyes and sees the sincerity. She gently caresses his jaw line. She tries her hardest to restrain herself. He tips her chin up. "You don't have to commit your life to me. I'm not asking you for that, because I know that you won't. So just give me one night."

"I think that you remember what happened last time we tried that."

"Just tell me what you want from me. Do you want a commitment? I know that we've been very vague on that issue before..."

"That and monogamy."

"Do you want to be in a monogamous, committed relationship?"

He looks into her eyes, but she says nothing. Her hand drops, and she moves away from him. The look in her eyes tells him the truth that her lips are denying him. "Do you want to be in a monogamous committed relationship with me? I can do that. I would do anything for you, you know that. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else."

She bites her lip, and touches his hand. She takes a deep breath, and stares past him, out the passenger's side window.

"Catherine all you have to do is say the word. If commitment is what you want, I'll marry you tomorrow."

She swallows, and looks him in the eye. "Prove it," she says softly, but the words come out sharply.

"Do you want a ring? I'll buy you a ring," he offers.

"No. I don't care about rings," she tells him.

"What do you want?"

"Put your money where your mouth is."

"I'll call my folks and I'll call your..."

She shakes her head in disagreement. "No. I don't want...I don't need any of that. I just need you," she admits.

"So what do you want me to do?"

"Just marry me," she answers.

"When?"

"Tonight," she replies.

"Then start the car," he responds.

"You're serious?"

"I'd walk to the end of the earth for you. If you want to get married, then we'll get married."

"No funny business," she warns him.

"I know," he acknowledges.

"You're sure? You understand what I'm asking of you?"

"Fidelity, loyalty, unconditional love."

"Forever," she adds.

"Forever," he agrees.

She smiles and puts her car keys into the ignition. She starts the car and puts it into gear.

"If you want this to be real we have to tell people."

"Ok," she agrees.

"In the near future... not in ten years from now."

"Ok, but it has to be done tactfully, and we both have to agree on the timing."

"Yes ma'am," he answers.

He holds her hand as she drives. "You really want to be my wife?" he interrogates.

"Forever," she answers.


	2. I swear

He lays in bed with sun streaming in through the curtains. They're tangled in the sheets. She sleeps peacefully. He watches her carefully. He studies the wedding band on his left ring finger and smiles. She lays on her stomach. One side of her face lies on her pillow. She faces her husband. He brushes the hair out of her eyes as she sleeps. "I love you," he whispers as he kisses her forehead.

She opens her eyes and is blinded by the sunlight. Within a few seconds her eyes adjust and all she can see is her husband. She rolls onto her back, and runs her fingers through her hair. "Morning," she looks at him.

He smiles at her. "You do remember what we did last night right?"

"I wasn't drunk," she answers him.

"Good," he nods.

"I'm cold," she tells him.

"Come over here and I'll warm you up," he offers.

She slides to the other side of the bed. She scoots down in the bed and rolls back onto her stomach. She lays her head on his bare chest. He pets her head. She holds onto him with one arm.

"I'm not going anywhere," he promises.

"That's good, because I'm not letting go."

"I hate to burst your bubble, but we do still have to go to work today."

"We can call in sick," she suggests.

"Bad idea," he tells her.

"I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to stay here with you."

"You work with me."

"But you don't go to work naked," she smirks.

"I could. You know that I would do anything for you."

"I know."

"Catherine I'm always going to be here. For better, or worse, until death do us part."

"You promise?"

"I swear."

She closes her eyes, and he pulls the sheet up to cover her bare back.

"Where are we going to stay tonight?" he questions.

"What do you mean?"

"Your place or mine?"

"I don't care, as long as I'm with you," she admits.

"What about Lindsey?"

"We should probably stay at your place," Catherine answers.

"Are you going to tell her?"

"Yes," she answers.

"When?"

"Today," she replies.

"Are you sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Maybe you want to wait to make sure that I don't let you down."

"You won't."

"How can you be so sure?"

Catherine answers, "Because you promised. And if you do I'll just cut off your favorite appendage."

"You don't think that would be suspicious?"

"I can make it look like an accident."

"So it's really just us for the rest of forever?"

"It had better be," she warns.

"I'm not the only cheater in this relationship."

"Mine was justified."

"It wasn't, but I don't want to argue about it. We just got married."

"We can't avoid it forever you know."

"I didn't know there was anything left to talk about."

"You don't know why."

"I know why I cheated. I was stupid, that's why I cheated."

"Not you, me."

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah," she answers.

"But karma did pay you back."

"I remember, he cheated on me."

"So why did you do it?"

"I wanted to make you miserable."

"I'm so glad I married you," he jokes, "You're so noble."

"I wanted you to feel the same pain that I felt. I wanted you to hate yourself."

"I love you," he reminds her.

"I love you too. Why else do you think that I'd marry you?"

"You had nothing better to do."

She shoots him a look. He amends his statement, "Or maybe because I'm so handsome and charming. Or maybe because after twelve years you thought that it was time to give up trying to make it work with other people."

"It hasn't been a solid twelve years," she reminds him.

"Off and on."

"It doesn't seem like it could possibly be that long."

"But it has," he points out.

"I know," she sighs thinking back.

"There were a couple of times I thought you'd never speak to me again, let alone get back together with me."

"There were times I thought that too," she admits.

"I guess I just can't believe that we never got caught."

"We came close a couple of times," she reminds him.

"Like the time in the back of the Denali?"

"Which one?"

"The first time."

"I don't think that we've ever come closer to getting caught than that time," she states.

"What about the time when Lindsey was twelve and she almost walked in on us."

"I guess I forgot about that."

"You made me crawl under the bed."

"I just can't believe that Sara and Grissom were stupid enough to get caught."

"They thought that they were sneaky too," he adds.

"They know nothing about being sneaky."

"Speaking of which, I got you something," he tells her.

"What? Wait, when?"

"Last night when you fell asleep."

"What did you get me?"

He rolls over and opens the drawer of the bedside stand. He pulls out a box and gives it to her. "I know that you said you didn't care, but I want you to have it," he tells her.

She opens the box and stares at the huge ring. Her eyes light up. He carefully removes it from the box and slips the engagement ring on her finger.

"You know that isn't necessary. We were never technically engaged."

"That's not the point."

"What's is the point?"

"I want everyone to know that you're my wife," he tells her.

"So you bought me the biggest ring in the state of Nevada?"

"It's not the biggest."

"Most expensive?"

"It doesn't matter, because you're my wife and I'd do anything for you."

"I love you."

"I love you too Mrs. Stokes," he grins from ear to ear, and then pulls her closer to him and plants a kiss on her.


	3. Things That We Don't Say

She's sitting at her desk doing paperwork. She stares at the page blankly, not reading a word that it says. She pushes her glasses back onto the bridge of her nose, hoping to regain concentration. All she can do is think about him. She stares at the rock she's wearing on the wrong hand. On the next hand is her wedding band. She takes a deep breath and picks her pen back up. She starts to read the page in front of her, but can't finish the first sentence before she starts to think of him again. She hears footsteps, but is completely unfazed. The footsteps stop in the doorway. She looks up and finds a handsome brown eyed man smiling at her.

"Can I come in?" he asks trying to remain professional.

"Please,"she answers.

He starts to shuts the door behind him.

"Don't," she warns him.

He doesn't argue, he just looks at her. She looks past him, out the door. "I don't want to be tempted," she clarifies.

He nods and leaves the door open. "Then can I at least buy your lunch?"

"Yes," she nods. She opens her drawer to grab her purse.

"What are you doing?" he questions.

"Getting my purse," she answers.

"I'm buying," he reminds her.

She rolls her eyes and tucks her phone, and her glasses in the pocket of her blazer. She puts her purse back in the drawer and locks it.

"We'd better get out of here before anyone notices that we're leaving," Nick suggests.

"They're still working."

He starts out of her office. She follows him. He heads toward the garage.

"Where are you going?" she questions.

"To my car," he answers.

She doesn't say anything she just looks at him in disappointed.

"You don't always get to drive," he tells her.

"But..." she begins to argue.

"Come on," he coaxes her.

"Fine," she agrees.

They get to the garage and he heads for the elevator. "Where did you park?" she questions.

"You'll see," he answers.

"There were plenty of spots."

"I know," he tells her. Fighting the urge to kiss her.

"So why..."

"You'll see," he tells her.

The elevator dings and they get off on the top floor of the garage. The only car is Nick's SUV. He unlocks the door, and she runs to the car, jumping into the driver's seat. He jumps into the passenger's seat.

"Keys please," she begs.

He leans over the seat, and kisses her. She pushes him away, "No. That isn't going to work. I want to drive."

He climbs over the seat. "What are you doing?" Catherine asks.

With his knees in her seat, on either side of her he answers, "I told you that you don't always get to drive."

"Oh," she nods in understanding.

He pushes the door open and gets out. She climbs out of the car, and he shuts the door. Without a word she climbs into the back seat of the car. He climbs in too.

"I really am hungry," she tells him.

"Uh huh," he nods as he uses his clicker to lock the doors.

She climbs on top of him, pinning him down. She whispers in his ear. "You know we don't have to do this anymore. We can do it at home," she reminds him.

"I know," he answers kissing her neck.

Without another word she very quietly grabs the keys from him.

"What are you doing?"

"We aren't going to have time to eat if..." she begins, but he stops her.

"Catherine since when have you ever minded missing a meal so that we can..."

She cuts him off, "If you recall I didn't get the chance to have breakfast this morning. Which if I recall was because of you."

"Fine," he gives in. She grabs the keys, and jumps over the console into the front seat. She's buckled, and moving before he can react further.

"Buckle up," she tells him.

"So now that were married does it mean that we can only have boring married people sex?"

"No," she answers.

He doesn't take her eyes off of her until they reach the restaurant. She parks the car and kills the engine, but he remains in a trance. She unbuckles and asks him, "What are you thinking?"

His eyes meet her and he lies, "Nothing."

"Tell me," she begs.

"It's better if you don't know," he answers.

"Nick we're married. I don't want to start out with lies."

"Neither do I, so please don't make me tell you."

"Was it about another woman?"

"No," he shakes his head, "You're the only woman I'm ever going to want."

"Ok," she agrees trying to trust him.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes.

"For what?"

"Every time that I hurt you. Every night that you stayed up waiting for me, and I never came. Every time I let you down."

"I've forgiven you how."

"But I don't deserve it, I don't deserve a woman like you."

She doesn't say anything.

"You're hungry. We can discuss this at home."

She nods and they get out of the car. He holds her hand into the restaurant.

That night Catherine goes home alone. Lindsey is still awake when she gets home.

"Did you have a good day at work?"

"Uh huh," Catherine smiles.

"Why are you smiling?"

"Can't I just be happy?"

"Of course mom, but usually when people are happy they have a reason."

"Sit down," Catherine instructs her.

Lindsey takes a seat on the counter. "Not what I meant," Catherine tells her.

Lindsey rolls her eyes. "So why am I sitting?"

"I have something to tell you."

"What?"

"It's big. I should have talked to you before. I should have asked if it was ok with you, but..."

"Mom what is it?"

"I got married," she admits.

"Good, I'm happy for you."

"Aren't you going to ask me anything?"

"What's to ask? I mean it was inevitable that you and Nick would ever break up forever, or get married. My money was on married, you two can't stay away from each other. You're like two teenagers amped up on red bull."

Catherine just looks at her daughter in shock.

Lindsey smiles, "You thought that I didn't know about the two of you? I did. You're not as discreet as you think you are."

"How long have you known?"

Lindsey thinks, "Since I was ten," she answers.

"Good to know."

"I don't think anyone else knows."

"Why do you sound so sure?" Catherine asks.

"Because no one else lives with you."


	4. His Mistakes I Can't Win

She lays alone in her bed that night. She thinks back to the good times, but mostly the bad. Because she had a lot of nights like this one.

_Flashback:_

_2000: She's on her couch eating ice cream in her sweats. There is a knock on the door. She looks out her peephole and responds, "Go away."_

"_Please let me in. I need to talk to you."_

"_I don't have anything to say to you."_

"_Please," he begs._

_She hates that she can never resist his big brown eyes. She unbolts the door, and lets him in._

"_I'm sorry," he tells her._

_She shakes her head. "Don't come here with a fake apology."_

"_I know that I was stupid," he tells her._

"_Nick I don't want to talk about this. You're just like Eddie."_

"_I'm not like him. I love you."_

"_I don't want to do this."_

"_Catherine I'm not him. Stop punishing me for his mistakes."_

"_You screwed around just like he did."_

"_I just can't win. Can't you see that I'm not him. I'm tired of trying to prove to you that I'm good enough. When are you going to stop comparing me to him?"_

"_I can't do this anymore."_

"_Please don't do this. I love you. I know that I screwed up."_

"_I don't love you anymore," she lies, "I never loved you."_

"_Don't say that. Don't do this to me."_

"_I want you to leave, and I don't want you to come back," she tells him as her eyes brim with tears._

"_If that's what you really want...I'll do whatever you want. But I'll never stop loving you."_

_He walks out the door. That night she cries herself to sleep._

End of flashback

He lies on his couch. He tosses and turns. He stares at the ceiling, trying not to think about her. He hated being away from her, even just for a night. He refuses to go to his bed, because it smells like her. His pillow smells like her hair, and his shirt smells like her perfume. She had come home with him after work, before going home. He wonders if she's really coming back, if it's really real. If she's really his forever, if either one of them can really be happy. He had cheated, and she cheated too. Some how at the end of it they always end up together.

No matter what happened, no matter how bad it was, they always got back together. There were a couple times that he was sure she'd never take him back. He remembered when they got back together, the first time. He had promised that it was just a one time thing. He would have said anything to be with her.

_Flashback: December 2001_

"_Just give me tonight. Think of it as an early Christmas present," he begs her as they sit in the back of the freezing cold Denali._

"_Nick it's so cold, please turn the heat up," she begs._

"_It's up as high as it'll go. I can't believe that it's this cold."_

"_I can't believe that you brought me up here. I can't believe that I agreed to come with you."_

"_But we're here."_

"_And we're freezing our asses off."_

"_I know a way to get warm," he teases._

"_Is that all you think about?" she questions._

"_No. You're all I think about."_

"_Stop. I don't want to do this again. I don't want to be in a relationship with you. You're not good for me."_

"_So then just give me tonight," he begs._

_She touches his chest. He pulls her closer to him. He tilts her chin toward him. She kisses him, and entirely forgets about being cold. He starts to pull off her scarf. _

End of flashback

That was one thing that was always great between them, no matter how much they hated each other at the time.

Catherine tosses and turns. She stares out the window as it starts to rain. She tries to get him off her mind, but she can't. That's why she married him. The truth was, that no matter how much her hurt her, she couldn't live without him. He was like a drug. She was addicted to him. He wasn't good for her, but he made her feel good.

He stares at the ceiling and thinks back to earlier that day.

_Flashback: He stares at her as she drives. He loved everything about her, including the vein in her forehead that throbbed when she was mad. Everything about her was perfect. Her hair, her eyes, her make-up, and she was smart too. _

_His thoughts take him somewhere else. He thinks about what their child would look like. Would she look like her mother? She'd be beautiful. He knew that it was just a fantasy, he'd never know. He was ok with that, even if she wasn't. _

She lays in her bed, still thinking about him. She thinks about their most recent breakup.

He didn't cheat, and neither did she, but it just wasn't working.

_Flashback: 2008_

_He sits next to her in the car. He can tell something is wrong. The rest of the funeral procession had left, but they were still sitting in the parking lot of the funeral home._

"_Cath what's wrong?"_

"_You're young. I don't want to hold you back," she tells him._

"_You're not."_

"_Nick. I'm sorry that he ever crossed my mind."_

"_Don't apologize."_

"_I need some time. I need some space to think about the things that I want."_

"_I'll give you all the time that you need."_

"_I think that you should try to move on. Stop holding on to me."_

"_Why can't we just be together?"_

"_Because I'm never going to be able to give you the things you want."_

"_All I want is you," he answers._

"_Don't lie to me," she begs him._

"_Nothing else is that important."_

"_I would never want to take that opportunity away from you."_

"_You aren't. It's my choice."_

"_And you'll hate me if don't get the chance."_

"_I won't."_

"_You should be with someone younger."_

"_Why?"_

"_I'm never going to be able to give you a family. I'm never going to be able to give you a child. I know how much you want that. I don't want to..."_

"_Stop. All I need is you."_

"_But you want more."_

"_So what? Life is about compromise."_

"_That's not a compromise."_

"_You can have all the time you want, but I won't move on," he vows._


	5. Secrets

Things in their life together, they had never been simple. Their promise for just one night, didn't work out. At least not the way that they had planned.

_2002(Early morning): He's dead asleep. He's only been asleep for an hour when the phone wakes him up. He flips open the phone without looking at it._

"_Stokes," he answers out of habit._

"_I need you to meet me at the hospital," Catherine tells him in a frantic tone._

"_What's wrong?"_

"_I don't know," she tells him._

"_Where are you? I'll come get you."_

"_I'm already on my way."_

"_Ok. I'll be there in ten minutes," he tells her._

_He throws on the first clean items of clothing that he can find. He jumps in his car and turns on the siren. _

_When he gets to the hospital she's already been admitted, and put in a room. The receptionist guides him to her room. She's in a hospital gown. Lying in the bed with an IV in her arm. He immediately notices that she looks as white as a ghost. He can tell by the look on her face that something is terribly wrong._

"_What happened? Are you ok?"_

_She looks at him, but can't control herself. She starts crying uncontrollably. He hugs her tightly, and pets her head, "It'll be ok," he promises._

"_It's not ok. This shouldn't have happened. Not this late," she tells him._

_He doesn't have to ask what happened. "I'm sorry," he apologizes._

"_It's not your fault. It's all my fault."_

"_Don't do this to yourself. Don't get all worked up. It's going to be ok."_

End flashback.

After that night things were different between them. Things were never really ok. She never really forgave herself. He knew that he didn't forgive him either. He was the one who had caused the whole thing.

She tries to block that night from her mind, but it's never far away.

_Flashback: 2002-He brings her home from the hospital and makes sure that's she's comfortable._

"_Do you want me to stay?"_

"_No," she answers._

"_Are you sure?"_

"_I don't want to have to look at you," she answers harshly._

"_Don't be that way. I just want to make sure that you're ok."_

"_I'm not ok. I'm never going to be ok. This is all your fault," she reminds him._

"_I didn't do anything. You didn't anything wrong. No one is to blame."_

"_Get out," she yells._

"_Not until you calm down."_

"_Get out," she yells louder._

"_Catherine calm down."_

_She picks up the book from her bedside stand and throws it at him. He dodges it. "Calm down," he repeats._

"_I will not calm down. Leave. Leave me alone. I don't ever want to see you again."_

"_You're being unreasonable."_

_She grabs a paperweight and throws it at him. He catches it. "Fine I'll go," he stomps off._

_She lays in her bed, alone, feeling empty, and inadequate. _

Years had passed, but the hole she felt, the empty feeling, it never went away. No matter

how hard she tried, nothing changed how she felt. She would never get over it, as long as she lived. She was glad nobody knew. Nick knew, but he had never brought it up. They never talked about it.

She rolls over in bed and grabs her phone. She dials a familiar number.

"Hello?" he answers after the first ring.

"Come over," she begs.

"Are you sure?"

"I hate being alone," she admits.

"Me too."

"I just want to be with you."

"Give me a few. I'll be over as soon as I can."

He arrives six minutes later, even though the drive from his house is at least twelve minutes. He uses his spare key to slip in the door. He locks it behind him, and tiptoes up the stairs. He very quietly opens the door to her room, and slips under the covers in his boxers.

"You didn't get dressed?" she questions.

"What would be the point?"

"What if you had gotten pulled over?"

"I didn't," he points out.

"You don't have to be so quiet."

"I don't want to wake her up," he replies.

"Lindsey's staying with her friend Emily tonight."

"So we can be as loud as we want?"

"I do have neighbors," she responds.

"Then I'll just have to hold you captive," he teases.

"Fine by me," she agrees.

He flips off the light, and scoots closer to her. She buries her head in his chest, and he wraps his arms around her.

"I love you," he tells her.

"I love you more," she argues.

"Doubt it," he counters.

"You have no clue," she tells him.

"There must be some reason that you put up with me," he answers.

She rolls over and scoots away from him.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm tired," she answers with a yawn.

"Come back. I'll be good. I promise."

She doesn't move. She closes her eyes, finally feeling safe. His arms keep her wrapped in his warmth. She was glad that he was there. He was what she had always wanted. But there was something missing. Something missing from the picture of perfection that she had in her head. It would always be missing. She couldn't fix it, she couldn't stop it. She just had to live with it. The empty feeling within her heart would never go away. But it seemed that the gaping hole in her soul was beginning to seam itself back together. She'd never be whole again. Having him in her life was the closest she'd ever get to completion.

As he holds her he feels her body tense. He runs his fingers through her hair knowing exactly what's on her mind. He doesn't ask. He kisses her and gently reminds her, "I love you."

She takes a deep breath exhaling air and negative energy. She relaxes and tries to will herself to sleep.

"Goodnight beautiful," he whispers.

She melts into him, and sleep soon follows.


End file.
